I woke up with a heavy heart. Nothing is that bad. You know those days– the world is not as it ought to be. There is a dull ache that tends to be in everything. Every facet is broken.
As I weighed my options (to list everything in my mind bothering me or to just press on), neither seemed quite right with me. I had handed over each thing to God (see Finding freedom from anxiety each new day). I read Psalm 66, paused and asked, “God, why do things feels so heavy? Why, today, do I feel the brokenness of each piece?” It is as if, I have a beautiful puzzle made up of dozens of pieces, and each puzzle piece has some bit of a little tab missing– you know, the part where the puzzle piece connects into another piece. The puzzle can still be put together, but is has many little holes in it. I didn’t feel angry with God, though I have at times. I didn’t feel forgotten by Him, even though it is a familiar feeling. I didn’t want to blame or cast doubt, though it felt tempting. I just felt the weight of the brokenness that touches everything. No, things are not quite as they should be. I sensed as I read His word, and it filled me, that by faith He could “mend” the brokenness. “But how Lord?” I had read, and almost skimmed over this,
Come and hear, all who fear God. And I will tell of what He has done for my soul. Psalm 66:16
Soon, I decided– I willed it, to look back over yesterday and look for ten things I am thankful for. Sometimes, I have to get my shovel for this, for my heart is far from “thankful.” Fortunately, I didn’t have to dig that deep, for there were things quick in my memory. There was the youngest, jumping into bed with me first thing in the morning to hug me, tell me he loves me and wish me a happy Mother’s day. There were the awesome cards the kids made and the phone call with my mom (She loved the “lightly” used Toms I sent her, which fit her better than me!). I could see my husbands desire to love our family well, and visibly watch the hard lessons being lived out that God is teaching us. I loved my Starbucks gift card and the coffee I rewarded myself with right away. Mending had begun.
Looking over the school year
Some pieces mended, but many still were left with holes, and awkward tabs. I soon started going back further, in time, yet not having to dig too far. As I reflected over the past school year there were– wow, so many things to give thanks for. How could I forget that time or that certain thing? There were answers to prayer and even unusual blessings. Kids reached goals in tennis, tests scores, making the starting line up, and into certain colleges. One child trusted mom and dad with some hard things– and it was worth it. There were very personal lessons for me– learning to love my husband better, persevering when I didn’t feel like it, and remembering God’s love and value for me. No, I didn’t have too dig that deep. I came up with a three-column (of thirty-four lines each) list in a short amount of time! All of these things came from brokenness. In the brokenness, I needed to trust Christ. Thankfulness mends the brokenness I feel so deeply. The mystery in such a fallen, broken, twisted world– is there is still refuge, joy and peace– somehow, someway. Thankfulness becomes a passage to a different world. It is a gate for mending the brokenness. It is a door of healing– ushering in God’s nearness. Maybe, really, it is God’s nearness that is mending it…